Judgmental

Recently, I got some comments from a family member about the use of a pacifier and me not nursing.  It really irritated me to have this woman who doesn't know me (she's an IL) and what we have been through and the things I do, to make these side comments to me.  And I realized a) how much I HATE snarky people who just want to make people feel bad in order to feel better about themselves, and b) that I am also judgmental.

I definitely judge other moms, whether I know them or not.  I can't help it, I am sure all mothers do it whether they admit it or not.  I don't think I am a better mom or my way is the right and only way.  I do believe that whatever works for your family is what is best.  But there are some things that I see that truly make me cringe and there are some moms that I don't think are good moms.  I feel bad for these thoughts that run through my head, but I can't help it.  I never say anything to anyone about it.

But then that made me think, how am I different from this awful woman who made comments at me?  She just said what she was thinking out loud, and is my keeping my comments to myself better?  To me, YES.  Why criticize someone for something, or make them feel bad if you truly think they are doing their best?  And especially someone I don't know.  So, am I as awful as this woman, or is this normal?

Thanksgiving, daycare, and death

Sorry to have not blogged in 2 weeks. There was a death in my family that sent us back up to Delaware for a while and we are staying with my mom - who was the Slowest.Internet.Ever. Seriously, dial up is faster. But anyway, my grandmother passed away, which has been hard on my whole family due to some background that I won't get in to. R and I are amending our wills as soon as we get home is all I will say. But, as sad as the funeral was, it was an opportunity to see all of my family including my brothers from Virginia and Arizona. Most of the family has never met Owen, so it was wonderful for them to see my grumpy, fussy boy. TWO TEETH!!! And I think there may be more in the works, but that is the reason for fuss. And he honestly was not that bad at all. Still flashed his little smile at everyone that looked at him (in his cords, button down shirt and sweater vest - CUTE!). While it has been difficult, I am glad that my grandmother got to see O once, on a special trip we made up in August to visit her.

We came up last Wednesday and are staying through Saturday for the Thanksgiving holiday, and I am so excited for Owen's first Thanksgiving. He is going to get some good eats at all our Thanksgivings we are going to. He is doing so well with solids, he loves food. Mostly ours, not so much the baby food, but he eats it. More family that has never seen him will be meeting him on Thanksgiving, so fingers crossed the teeth won't be bothering him too much and he will be his happy, smiling self. I know that us being here has been wonderful for my Mom and she loves every minute she gets with him. She has even babysat twice so we could have time alone and we definitely have taken advantage. We went shopping, out for ice cream at Friendly's, and to see New Moon (poor R, but he sucked it up - and it was amazing. I am seeing again for sure). It has been great to have a week solid of all 3 of us.

In other news, I have been offered a job that would be in the evenings/weekends so I could still stay home with O but make some extra money. Nothing exciting, no career opportunities, but a job. The 5 week training starts Monday and is from 7-3, so Owen is back in daycare for at least 5 weeks. And I have a major interview next week for an AMAZING opportunity, actually doing something I would be interested in. But, that would put me back to 8-5 Monday through Friday. And just the thought kills me, I want to be home with Owen. So we have some decisions to make on what to do now and what is more important. I am kind of excited for Owen to go to daycare, because he loves other babies and playtime, he loved his teachers and he will be back in the same room for now. The only thing that sucks is we have such a good routine, I have to be sure they try to stick with it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and I will update and post some pictures when we get home. O is going to be 8 months on Friday, which blows my mind. So we might go see Santa with my parents so they can see him get his picture taken, and I will be back this weekend!

When will I stop?

I feel like every time we go to the pediatrician, something else gets brought up and I feel like Owen is behind.  It's hard enough that I compare him to other babies (I know, I KNOW, I shouldn't do this, and I try really hard not to or at least not take it seriously), but to have the pediatrician mention something always throws me off.  Owen is not babbling.  

I was so upset when I got home and googled (evil!) and realized that it is a 6 month milestone.  I am not quite sure what constitutes babbling, he definitely coos and makes noise, but there are not a lot of consonant sounds like babababa or dadadada.  So then I worry that he has something wrong with him and won't talk.  I am thinking of contacting Early Intervention, I am 99% sure that with his NF we receive free services from the state and if I can get a speech language pathologist for free, then I may as well. 

Then I worry about it being my fault that he isn't babbling, or crawling, yet because we took him out of daycare and he isn't around other babies.  He has always been a pretty quiet baby, even when crying he is quiet.  I plan on calling the pediatrician back tomorrow and get some clarification and seeing if I do need to be concerned.  We will also be keeping Sesame Street and kids shows on in the background while playing, and I am getting Babytalk by Dr. Ward to get some ideas on communicating better with him.

I hate that I am so concerned with things like this.  But it's hard when all the friends I speak to with kids his age are crawling, pulling themselves up, squealing and babbling.  I just want Owen to be normal, healthy and happy, and being so emotional lately certainly doesn't help my overthinking things and worry.

In other news, Owen has a TOOTH!!!!  His bottom left one is finally poking though.  You can barely see it, but you can feel it :)

A Follow Up to my PPD post

Back in May I wrote about how I thought I had PPD, and went to my OB to talk and then I just left it at that.  I never really got into what was going on, and it was not PPD but more of a  Post Partum Anxiety issue and my OB prescribed Lexapro.  I have been on Lexapro since then and I hate it.  I don't even like to take Tylenol, let alone anti-depressants, so with the guidance of my dr I am weaning myself off the Lexapro.  Who knows if it actually helped me feel better, or if going back to work and Owen losing the colic/reflux/angriness made it better, but I was back to normal for the most part.

The Lexapro kicked my ass.  Apparently it just takes whatever emotions you are feeling, puts them on pause until you stop taking it and unleashes an all holy hell.  I have been crying almost every day, that crazy hormonal newborn love is back in full force.  I went into O's room last night when he was sleeping, picked him up, rocked him and just cried.  I keep worrying about kids making fun of him at school for his NF, I cry at how big he is getting and growing up, I cry because I can't imagine anything more perfect than him, I cry for him, crap I am crying right now typing it.  I have always since day one had this hugely intense love for Owen.  I am fiercely protective of him, I of course think he is the greatest thing ever.  But it's like the Lexapro was just holding back part of the emotions, or maybe it's just my body leveling out and getting it out of my system.  I should probably call my OB.

The good thing is I have zero anxiety or depression.  Just emotional and I feel like a nutbag because of it.  I am worried that my OB might try to put me back on the Lexapro or switch to something else, but I don't want to because it makes me feel gross.  And honestly, I don't want to be on anything at all because I want to give my body a chance to recalibrate and be back to normal before we start TTC again in less than a year.  Hopefully it will all level out soon and I can feel like myself again!

Thank you, thank you very much...

I received an award from JRS over at Planned Spontaneity and I am so flattered!  I am Back in the Saddle again after IF and loss to being a new mom and adjusting to staying at home.

Background: This award is given to bloggers that are "Back in the Saddle" of life. This may be someone who is undergoing medical treatments, restarting his/her life, resurfacing after a tragedy, or someone who is just trying to sport a new attitude. Recipients have an attitude of a fighter, strive to be a winner of the battle, and show determination.

Rules: Post the award's graphic, background, and rules on your blog. Explain how you are "Back in the Saddle" again, and then pass the award on to at least four other bloggers who are "Back in the Saddle" just like you. Make sure you let them know that they have been given this award, and ask them to pass it on.

It is hard to pick 4 people to nominate because I am inspired by all the blogs that I read!  I think I have to go with:

Callie at Yet Another Weight Loss Blog - She is so amazing and has done an awesome job at getting into running and finishing her first half marathon!  I am so inspired by her dedication to exercise and trying to be a better and more fit person.

Katie at When Hello Means Goodbye - Reading through her loss and struggles with her health in the past year, to adopting such a beautiful boy and being healthy again she definitely deserves this award.

Busted Babymaker - After losing her twins, to going through IVF again, to a rocky pregnancy and finally bringing home her sweet baby boy and dealing with all the changes in her life she is Back in the Saddle.  Her blog always makes me smile, but also think.

Meredith at Savannah Banana - Mere is such a good person and has gone through so much to not only have Savannah, but deal with being a new mom and the unexpected issue that have come up with Savannah's eating, weight gain, reflux, and so much more.

All the blogs are fantastic, and I am so honored to be given this award and be able to pass it on! 

My heart...

It just aches when I look at him.  He is the most precious and wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and I can't believe he is mine.

First Hall-O-Ween

I have never been a big fan of Halloween, but it seems like now that I have a child and get to celebrate it with him it was so much fun.  We went to a fall festival at R's work where everyone was in costume and there was food and games.  It was fun, but O was still too small to do anything, so we walked and looked at everyone.  Owen was a fierce dragon:

But it was so hot that we came prepared to take the costume off.  He also went a little more casual as a skeleton:

I didn't dress up for the festival, but I did dress up to answer the door and walk over to our neighbor's party.  

We didn't have too many trick or treaters and there is a TON of candy left, but I can't wait for next year and Owen gets in to it and maybe we can trick or treat.  Hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween!