Soooo.... I have PPD

In the beginning, right after Owen was born I had some low days while my hormones adjusted.  I would look at him and cry, so scared that there was something wrong with him, cry at how much I love him, cry at everything it seemed.  Then it went away after a week and I felt back to normal - until about a week or two ago.  Slowly, I noticed that I was dreading the next day dragging out into nothing, getting antsy at the thought of being alone.  On Monday I was anxious, and my first thought was to stop the Reglan for breast feeding since it can make it worse.  I threw it out.  Tuesday we went to the pediatrician and had the bad appointment and I decided to stop BFing, which was SO hard after all the work.  I cried Tuesday, I cried Wednesday and I had a full on panic attack this morning and refused to let R go to work.  I could not do another day on my own.  I just couldn't.  I called the nurse line at my OB as soon as they opened and left a message and they squeezed me in at 11.

I am not depressed, I will say that and I have NO bad thoughts about Owen or myself.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  I just feel extremely overwhelmed, and panic and get anxious about being alone with him all day.  I feel like, what am I going to do all day with him?  The walls close in on me after an hour or two.  I feel like I am a bad mother, and don't know how to soothe him.  I feel like a failure as a mom and at breast feeding.  I can't even explain it all, and the emotions I feel, but the NP got it and told me that I was normal and there are women in there all week going through the same thing.  And R was there with me so she could talk to him as well and he could understand that I am not being crazy.  

The worst part is that they put me on Lexapro and gave me "emergency" Xanax.  I got home and was reading the little pamphlet of side effects, etc... and it says to not breast feed if using.  And I lost it again.  I was thinking about trying to just nurse occasionally and supplement, or something to make it all worth it.  Then I debated not taking the drugs, but I need to be sane and not anxious to be home with my child.  We will see what happens.